There is no greater life commitment than becoming a parent.
For some people there’s a clear life vision that involves becoming parents. But for many, it’s not such an easy choice.
Maybe one of these thoughts resonates with you:
Parts of parenting seem really dreamy- but a lot of it doesn’t.
I don’t know how I could be a parent and not turn out like my parents.
Sometimes I want to have a baby, but I'm not sure- and it’s not something you can back out of.
I think I want to stay child-free, but I worry I will regret it someday.
I’m single and I’m not sure I want to parent alone.
My partner and I are on two different pages about having kids- but we really love each other.
How do we know when it’s the right time to start a family?
I like my life now- do I really want to change it?
At some point in life nearly every adult faces this decision, but you don’t have to face it alone.
I've seen many couples through incredible relationship transformations. Some who end up choosing children now, some who wait, and others who decide not to parent.
And I’ve worked with lots of individual clients who don’t have a partner on the same page or who don’t have one at all to decide what’s best for them as prospective parents.
Read below for more info on how we sort through this difficult choice.
Call to learn how I can support you.
WHAT THE MAYBE BABY PROCESS IS:
This process is designed to focus specifically on your big decision: parenting or not? Now or never?
This brief process is typically completed in six sessions. The goal is to get the couple unstuck and moving forward, in whichever direction they choose.
The goal-focused, action-oriented work is a coaching process. We'll focus on your strengths and resiliency factors to help you move forward with integrity.
Discernment work is designed to help you answer:
“What do I really want right now?”
“How can I live with whatever decision I make moving forward?”
“Are we on the same page?”
“How do we partner around our decision- no matter which direction this conversation takes us?
If both partners answer yes, they often move forward to start working more intensely in couples coaching.
WHAT THE MAYBE BABY PROCESS IS NOT:
CONVINCING - These sessions won’t force a partner to choose parenting or a child-free life. I'm not here to convince either of you, though I ultimately will always hold out hope for your partnership.
JUDGEMENT - I'm not here to take sides or judge which of you is right or wrong. And that wouldn't really help you anyway, would it?
HEALTHCARE - It's not mental health therapy (aimed at assessing, diagnosing or treating individual mental health conditions or substance use). We're not going to wander through stories of your family of origin or trauma history. We'll focus our relationship coaching at the specific issue at hand: do I/we want to parent?
THE ONLY STEP - The conversation doesn’t end here. As with any decision, regret, grief, and struggle (as well as joy, celebration, and connection) will come no matter which path you choose. If you're at this point you'll likely need to do some work to make sustainable change in your relationship patterns on either journey.
This work will help you identify where you need to focus your continued relationship work as a couple and (if you choose it) as parents.
WHAT TO EXPECT WORKING WITH ME ...
WHAT I DON'T DO
Sit and nod - instead, we'll take action. Be forewarned: I've been described as "direct and not-coddling."
Add shame or judgment to your experience (there's already WAY too much of that in the world)
Get stagnant. I will check in to see if this is working- focusing and refocusing on action and change in your life
Collude with your inner critics to let you stay small
Treat you like you're broken (because you're not)
Assume your experience is the same as mine or anyone else's
Pathologize you (I don't treat mental illness, so you won't receive a diagnosis, assessment or treatment for mental health conditions or substance use)
WHAT I DO
Use a strengths-based approach to help you grow
Bring a decade of experience helping hundreds of incredible people deeply connect to themselves and the people they love
Help you listen and communicate effectively, end repetitive argument cycles, and let go of baggage
Use a sex-positive framework and vast sexuality knowledge to fan flames of passion between you
Identify ways to manage intense emotions
Rebuild trust and renew intimacy
Keep momentum and hope alive - even if it's hard for you to feel hopeful
Deeply care about your personal growth and well-being and at the same time hold you accountable to the goals you set for yourself
One day I am sure I want a kid, and then the very next day I'm absolutely sure I don’t. What's the deal?
There are a lot of reasons you might feel like you're swinging between opposite poles moment to moment (lots of people feel this way, BTW). This is a HUGE decision that will impact your life forever in one direction or the other- which is why getting help is critical right now.
Can we really become parents without growing distant/re-enforcing the patriarchy/losing ourselves in the process?
Most people have poor modeling about parenthood. Very few of us have egalitarian or intentional role models to follow and it can be really challenging to find good information.
If you know parenting is right for you, I’m here to help you create structures and systems to support growing the family and parenting experience you want instead of just following other people’s patterns.
I try to be realistic about both pieces so you can assess if you really have the commitment, time, and energy to dedicate to creating the intentional future that’s best for you.
Can I realistically do this on my own?
Single parenting does mean facing challenges that many couples parents get to share all on your own. But there are lots of tools, resources, and communities to tap into for support and guidance along the way. I can help you access those and deal with the envy and grief that is common for folks who wish to be partnered but aren’t.