One day I am sure I should break it off, and then the very next day I'm sure I want to be with this person. What's the deal?
There are a lot of reasons you might feel like you're swinging between opposite poles moment to moment (lots of people feel this way, BTW). Often this means there's still possibility to make it work (which is why sometimes you're sure it's working) but you might be really stuck in some outdated patterns- which is why getting help is critical right now.
Sometimes it feels like he'll change and then the very next day it feels like nothing ever will. How long will it take for things to really change?
It's unbelievably frustrating to ride waves of change and setback. I see clients all the time who are weary from trying and talking and low from dashed hopes in this cycle of ups and downs. Changing long-standing patterns is really hard, but your question speaks to four critical elements:
1. You are starting to let hopelessness in. When you say words like ever/never it tells me you really need something concrete to pin your hopes to. If you want to stay together you need to start asking yourself if you have enough hope in your reserve tank to pull you through the work that needs to happen to get to the other side of resentment mountain.
2. You still want it to work. At least part of you does. Or you wouldn't be asking and you wouldn't be in it anymore. But you're facing trying times and your patience is wearing thin... I think it's time to call for help.
3. Which brings me to the third piece, your patience is clearly getting worn here. If you're going to stay together and work it out (I'm sorry to tell you this but) there will be more ups and downs. Change doesn't happen in a direct linear path- there are always steps forward and at least small steps back until sustainable new patterns are formed. The question for you is- do you have the patience to weather positive growth that includes some minor setbacks?
4. I know you want/need your partner to change, and no doubt there are things they need to take a look at. But, are you willing to look at your own contributions to the problem? Because the patterns that aren't working were co-created so to undo them we're going to have to co-create change. It can't be all one-sided. Do you really want to change your own ways? Are you willing to take responsibility for your contributions?
Consider these four elements when you think about staying together and signing on to relationship work as a couple. Discernment is not an easy process, but it is often a very helpful one.
Should we break up?
It's not for me to decide. When we first meet I'll give you frank feedback about the strengths I see in your connection, and the work we'll need to do to repair and reinvent parts of your connection moving forward.
I try to be realistic about both pieces so you can assess if you really have the commitment, time, and energy to dedicate to making it work- or leaving lovingly.
Can we get through this affair? Do couples stay together after cheating?
Even couple takes a different route through infidelity. Some of my couples choose to split up- and in those cases I help them do so with respect and kindness.
Most of my couples choose to stay together and though it isn't easy many of them make it through. We work to repair broken trust and create communication that works for both of you moving forward.
I'm can help you repair trust no matter what you've been through.
I'm happy to answer any questions you have about couples support in a free call.