Allegedly it only takes 36 questions to fall in love with anyone, but once you’re in love, well, it takes maintenance to stay connected for the long-haul.
Couples who share deep connection long-term share one simple secret: curiosity. Most of us start out with a strong sense of intrigue and are so invested in getting to know each other we'll stay up talking all night.
You know those silly beginning conversations, "You like broccoli?!? I like broccoli too! We were meant to be!" Silly as that example might sound, there's plenty of research that shows just how important enthusiastically engaging in getting to know your partner is for your relationship's longevity.
But once we're together a little while we stop getting curious and start assuming we know everything about our honey. In our culture, lots of stories tell us it's good to be able to read our partner's mind. But in reality, assumptions are a total relationship buzzkill.
Once we're assuming there's no room for growth and no element of surprise or mystery. And those are two critical ingredients for connection and desire.
Instead of letting the initial curiosity and fascination wane, they keep asking questions and investing in getting to know their sweetheart even when time has passed.
If you’d like to try this approach out for yourself, here are 50 questions you can try asking instead of “how was your day?” You’ll be able to think of plenty of your own once you get warmed up.
And if you'd like to get a free set of thirty questions to get to know your partner every month you can sign up right here and I'll send them to you!
50 QUESTIONS TO ASK INSTEAD OF HOW WAS YOUR DAY
What made you laugh today?
Can you tell me about a time when you were kind to someone today?
Were you or anyone you know unkind today? What happened?
Who do you wish you knew better at work?
Who inspires you at work?
What did you read today?
What did you daydream about today?
If we were on vacation today, where would we be?
What did you do that was creative today?
What problems did you solve?
What is the best thing that happened in your day?
Did you help anyone today?
Did you say “thank you” to anyone today?
Who did you have lunch with?
What was the high and the low point of your day?
What was your least favorite part of the day?
Was anyone away today?
Did you feel unsafe at any time?
Did you learn anything that surprised you today?
What’s something that happened that made you think?
What do you know today that you didn’t know yesterday?
What did you find challenging today?
How did someone fill your bucket today?
How did you fill someone else’s bucket?
What are you most proud of from your day?
What are you hoping to accomplish tomorrow?
How would you rate your day from 1 to 10?
How were you brave today?
Where would you like to be more authentic tomorrow?
What questions did you ask in class today?
What are you looking forward to tomorrow?
Teach me something I don’t already know.
If you could change something about your day, what would it be?
How would you describe the sort of person you were today?
What made you feel happy?
What made you feel loved?
What made you feel confident?
What made you feel worried?
What would you like to achieve before the holidays?
If you could swap desks with someone, who would you choose and why?
If you could be the boss for a day, what would you teach everyone?
If you were the boss for a day, what rules would you make?
If you could have any job in the world other than yours where would you work? What would you do?
When you were a kid what did you dream your day would be like?
How do you hope your day will be different ten years from now?
How is your day different than it would have been ten years ago?
What is your five year professional development plan?
What would you do with one more free hour in each working day?
How could I be of support to you in your daily life?
Is there anything I could do to make your day easier?
Gina Senarighi, MA, MS, CPC is a retired couples counselor and sex therapist, now full-time retreat coach, workshop facilitator, and author. Her twenty years working in communication and positive psychology she has transformed diverse relationships across the country.
Her uniquely non-judgmental, inclusive approach to couples work puts even the most concerned participants at ease. She's not your average sit-and-nod supporter- she'll hold hope even when it's hard and always help you grow.